I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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