Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize