I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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