I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
