A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
