I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
