When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
