Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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