he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
