is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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