my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
