I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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