Don't make out with my wife yet
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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