Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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