checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize