I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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