I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
