I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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