Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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