I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
