Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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