I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
