You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
