On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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