So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
