and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
