Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Randomize
