Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
