he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize