Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
