Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
