I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
