Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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