There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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