how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
