At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
