we have officially lost it.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
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