grandma shit on top of the toilet
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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