new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
