How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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