If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
