i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
