Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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