If i come over, it means nothing
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
