dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
