Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
