Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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