I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
