Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
