Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
