12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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