what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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