You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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