Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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