my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
