Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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