i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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