We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
