Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
