I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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