Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize