just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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