Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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